A window opened tonight

Lately, it has felt as though lots of doors are being closed . . . . without the proverbial window being opened. I sent the whiniest email to my friend Gina today . . . unloaded all my perceived injustices of the past few months . . . all of which has had me thinking this move has been a mistake. I feel so very much without a home. I love the weather and beauty of Colorado . . . most days, even when things seem to be at their bleakest, I still feel blessed that I'm living in such a beautiful state, with so many things to do at my fingertips. My daughter and I are living much healthier lifestyles in terms of eating and exercise. . . . But there have and continue to be so many obstacles. Everything seems to be a challenge. I miss my friends more than I could ever have imagined. I miss my parents . . . to the point of aching . . . I feel so very alone, without family. I was talking about this with someone over the weekend who also had lost both of his parents a few years ago . . . . even though you're in your 40's, there is a tremendous sense of being an orphan . . . . of losing the only 2 people in the entire world who will love you no matter what you do . . . and even though I know I'm very important to my daughter, I will never again have the importance of being someone's child . . . and that is a very huge loss . . . it leaves a void that simply no one else can fill.

On top of that . . . no spouse, no partner . . . no one to help take out the trash, lock the doors at night, help with bills or household errands or take Bug to school or athletic events . . . no one to make me chicken soup when I'm sick . . . or share a dinner with . . . or snuggle up to when it's storming or I've had a bad dream. . . . And no prospects in sight of that changing anytime in my future. I keep trying . . . I keep going on dates . . . and the next day I always regret going. The more I date, the sadder I feel . . . and the more I feel the loss of two men in my life that mean so very much to me . . . those chapters in my life are over, but it doesn't mean I don't have regrets.

Last week was extremely crappy . . . and on top of it all . . . the only two people who consistently have included me in their lives since we moved here, and whose daughter is Bug's best friend here, are moving back to Chicago in about 3 weeks. These people are my dinner buddies and biking buddies. We go to the pool together. We walk and meet for ice cream. Bug and their daughter were going to be on a soccer team together this fall, and we were going to carpool for practices and games. They're the only ones I would feel comfortable leaving Bug with if I were to go out of town ----- in short, they are my only support system here ----- and that will be gone in 3 weeks.

My job is less than satisfying. Even though I don't miss the crazy hours/7 days a week of my last job, I miss the intensity of the work, being a part of the administrative team, feeling needed, being consulted on major projects, and I miss the people I worked with . . . even the kooky ones that drove me crazy at times. Here, I'm a much smaller fish in a much larger pond . . . I don't have the trial practice I once did . . . and I guess my ego is taking a hit for it. The positive tradeoff, of course, is that I have more time for Bug and for a personal life. But feeling underutilized is never a good thing.

There have been lots of tears the past 2 days especially, and lots of Internet searches for reciprocity with my law license. But I don't want to go back to the South, and I think this is such a great state . . . if I could just find a way to make it work. Some of the other states that interest me do not have reciprocity, and there is no way I want to ever take another bar exam. And I don't want to drag Bug around the U.S. just because I can't find my happiness. She's going into 5th grade ----- if I move again, I want it to be permanent, and preferably with a spouse. So the tears are a result of not knowing what the hell to do with my life at the age of 44 and feeling like a complete loser because I don't have it together at this point.

But tonight . . . a small window opened . . . the mother of a girl on Bug's volleyball team asked me a month or so ago to come visit her book club. She remembered that I had said that one of the things I missed most from Arkansas was my book club. So she invited me to hers. I was hesitant . . . because this one is all women and mine in Arkansas was mostly men. . . . and I liked the challenge of holding my own with them . . . I don't read chick lit and have no desire to . . . and I liked the fact that we coupled our book club meetings with lots of wine, so the conversation always got . . . interesting. Anyway, I appreciated . . . very much . . . that this person invited me. I checked out the books for the next few months . . . very good mix of fiction and non-fiction . . . no chick lit . . . and the author of "Boxing for Cuba" is attending the one in September as he lives in the neighborhood. So . . . hmmm . . . might be okay. There is even a cookie swap for December, which made me feel some connection to Arkansas. Every December in Little Rock, there were several cookie swaps on the calendar for me or Bug and me. My friend, Graeme, throws the most wonderful cookie swap every year that had become my most favorite holiday party tradition. I just knew Denver would not have cookie swaps . . . it seemed too Southern. But yet, this book club is doing it . . . another plus.

Well . . . I went tonight. Thank God. There were 11 of us. And it was a wonderful group of women. Well educated, well traveled, well read. And a wide age range. One had just finished law school, and others were grandmothers, with many of us in our "middle years". There was a widow who moved here from California after her husband died. She grew up in Europe and had wonderful stories of living through some tense times. A couple of writers, one of whom is recently divorced. Some married without children, some with. One from Texas and one from Richmond, Virginia, said they liked that I was from the South. But we all had in common the love of the written word, from actual books we like to hold in our hands, not ebooks off of the Internet or from that new kindle thing Amazon is touting. Actual books with actual pages that you turn as the characters come to life.

The book we discussed was "Interpreter of Maladies", a collection of short stories by the fabulous Jhumpa Lahiri (author of "The Namesake"). The discussion was lively. . . . the noise level of 11 women can be quite deafening. The hostess had recently returned from India (the author's parents are Indian and a number of her settings are in India or are about Indian characters trying to assimilate in other places, usually the U.S.) . . . but anyway . . . the hostess prepared Indian foods for us and served Iced Chai . . . . along with lots of wine . :):) The women, all of whom were from the Hilltop neighborhood, different from mine, embraced me into their group as I would not have expected. In light of the despair and anguish I've felt lately, their warmth felt like a life preserver being thrown to me after swimming in very deep water for a very long time. I just gripped on and held tight all evening, and at the end . . . I felt like I was starting down the path of having some new friends, not just acquaintances . . . but people who were going to be part of my life. . . . I hope so. I really want good things to happen here, even if not in Denver . . . perhaps Boulder or Colorado Springs. I want to find happiness . . . . or at least contentment . . . in Colorado. I think tonight . . . that window I've been looking for opened just a tiny bit. I'm going to try to enjoy the fresh air.

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since I've posted anything. It's been just a blur of activity. All of the last minute preparations (and anxiety) associated with getting Bug to camp on Sunday, June 15th. Then dates, dinners with friends, and lots of exercise to pass the time have consumed my time alone.

I officially have a new favorite restaurant in Denver. It's called Bang, in the Highlands area at 32nd and Lowell. Phenomenal food! Absolutely wonderful. And the sweet potato toast is incredible -- could have made an entire meal off of that, but the tilapia and cous cous were amazing too. So those of you coming to visit, expect a trip to Bang. It's funky and fun. :)

On Saturday, I was REALLY missing Bug. I mean . . . looking in her room, looking at her pictures, re-reading her letters, crying . . . ugh . . . major league missing her. My very best therapy is shopping, so off I went. Mostly, I bought things to send to Bug in a care package. But also, I decided I should treat myself as well. Here is my bounty:



The Nike sports head phones are for my iPod to use while walking and working out at the JCC. Actually, I've been using Bug's iPod because she has a Nano with the cool arm band. I have the big guy that shows movies . . . . not the best for working out. Although, I'll have to remove my music from Bug's iPod before she gets home from camp. She gets irritated when I download what she terms "inappropriate music" . . . yes, I know . . . big time role reversal in my house. Anyway, I have a couple of "explicits", Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back", and "Nasty Girl" of which Bug would not approve, but boy are they fun to get down with on the elliptical trainer! LOL

The book in the picture is for my book club that starts up in July. We're reading Jhumpa Lahiri's "Interpreter of Maladies". I haven't read it yet, but loved her book "The Namesake".

The cologne is Armani's "Code". The commercial real estate developer/tennis player I went out with last week smelled better than any man I've ever smelled in my life. It was great --- I kept inhaling while in the car on the way to the restaurant . . . a very fun, fast ride in his new Audi TT. Then, over dinner at Lola (another great Highlands restaurant), the breeze and the candle kept his cologne wafting towards me --- I finally asked him what it was . . . Armani (another Armani guy, go figure). Anyway, I went to Macy's on Saturday to ask if Armani made something comparable for women. The British saleslady put 3 Armani's on me, in different areas, told me to go off shopping and come back in 30-45 minutes as "Armani needs time to settle, dahling, before you know which Armani is you". Wow . . . am I "an Armani"???. . . hmmmm . . . so off I went. I debated and debated (i.e., sniffed myself repeatedly as I was walking through Cherry Creek mall . . . I'm sure people wondered), and finally chose Code over Diamond and the other one which name escapes me. The Code has a bit of orange blossom in it and reminds me of a fragrance by Escada called "Ocean Blue" that I haven't been able to find in years. The Diamond seems more of a winter fragrance. As I made the purchase, British saleslady said "so, you look very sexy, now you smell very sexy . . . tell me, hot date tonight?" Sadly, I told her "no", that tonight I was on my own. To which she replied, "no, dahling, just walk around a bit, you look very sexy, men will respond." Seriously???? Seriously??? I'm supposed to walk around Macy's or the mall . . . and pick up a date? Seriously? I don't think so. Was the fragrance supposed to be that powerful? Hmm . . . maybe . . . I remember my reaction to my date, and I wasn't super attracted to him (we had way too many differences on BIG subjects), but boy he smelled HOT! It didn't work though . . . I remained dateless Saturday night . . . no pick-ups (as if I would).

The final treat in the picture that I gave myself are the cupcakes from "Lovely Confections" on Colfax. These cupcakes are SO GOOD!!!!! I bought a chocolate and a carrot cake with cream cheese icing. By nightfall, I'm embarrassed to admit, all that remained were a few crumbs, which meant I spent extra time on the machines and skipped dinner absent a handful of wheat thins. In an effort to test the Armani Code, I did shower, dress up a bit, and take Chloe for a walk through Cherry Creek North during the evening. (Cooper is aggressive with other dogs, so I can't walk him through CCNorth, but Chloe is guaranteed some attention with her perpetual smile and chubby little Boxer body.)

The next morning, I woke up early, jumped on my bike and headed downtown on the Cherry Creek Bike Path. My intent was to ride into the downtown area and treat myself to an omelet at one of the breakfast places. But it was such a beautiful morning that I just kept riding. I rode upon a fox about to have duck for breakfast. I took a picture as he was scowling at me for interrupting his hunt.




Then I snapped some shots of some artwork along the river . . .



And the wonderful "Dancers" sculpture outside of the Denver Performing Arts Center . . .



Here is my building. My office is on the top (14th floor) . . .



Here is the beautiful South Platte River area right downtown.. . .



After settling for a scone (over the intended omelette), I grabbed a chai latte from Starbucks and headed down to sit by the water. There were the cutest dogs playing in the river, a gorgeous German Short-Haired Pointer and a very large English Bulldog.

The Starbucks I went to is located in the R.E.I. (Recreational Equipment, Inc.) building on Platte Street.



It is a beautiful historic building . . . huge . . . there is even a climbing wall inside, along with every possible outdoor adventure product ever made or sold. Let me tell you, this is where all of the beautiful, fit people hang out on Sunday mornings in Denver. I needed a drool rag! Good grief . . . I've decided all men are sexy in bike wear, helmets, and sunglasses. And they ALL congregate at REI on Sunday mornings to meet their buddies, drink coffee, and organize rides. I've definitely got to spend more weekend mornings at REI.

I continued my ride up into the Highlands area, which was quite hilly. My quads still are feeling that part of the ride, even today. But it was great. I found another ice cream shop to take Bug as we continue our search for favorite ice cream store.

It really was a wonderful experience. The ride home was a little tough because I had ridden so much farther than I ever intended, and I was fighting the wind the entire way home. I got home, walked the dogs, and took a much needed nap. Still thinking of the cupcake consumption from the day before, I went back to the JCC for a workout before settling in to watch "Dan in Real Life" (isn't Steve Carrell the cutest thing in this movie???).

Yesterday found me back at the grindstone of work. Too tired last night to even work out except for a couple of walks with the dogs. I'm so ready for Bug to come home. She's my very most favorite person to spend time with, and I want all the time I can get before the sullen withdrawn teenage years hit. My plan is to be at the camp by 9:00 Sunday morning --- cant' wait.